Much like the rest of the 8.7 million viewers that watched Red Table Talk last week with the Curry ladies, I too, had an opinion on the 40 second snippet of Ayesha Curry that went viral. As a married woman – hell, as a woman in general despite relationship status – I wholeheartedly understood her sentiment about noticing the lack of attention on her while her spouse is experiencing the complete opposite. I did engage in unproductive social media commentary but I felt it best to let some time pass before I truly went in on my thoughts about Ayesha’s statement, but more so from a place that has yet to be addressed or considered.
“Something that really bothers me, and honestly has given me a sense of a little bit of an insecurity, is the fact that — yeah, there are all these women, like, throwing themselves [at him], but me, like, the past 10 years, I don’t have any of that,” she said on the Facebook Watch show. “I have zero — this sounds weird — but, like, male attention, and so then I begin to internalize it, and I’m like, ‘Is something wrong with me? I don’t want it but it’d be nice to know that someone’s looking.”
One of the most common arguments against Ayesha’s statement, mainly and unsurprisingly from men, was that how could she possibly have any complaints about not getting attention outside of her marriage because: (1) She has what any woman would kill to have; (2) Steph has taken care of her and she doesn’t have to worry about nothing or; (3) Why couldn’t she wait until after the play-offs (irrelevant). While many claimed that they heard a complaint of an ungrateful wife, I heard a woman share her truth in brutal honesty and gave a peak into her desired love language .
Love Languages is an assessment often referred to married or soon-to-be-married couples that describes the way we feel loved and appreciated. It is broken down into five different languages:
Words of Affirmation
Words hold great value to a person with this love language. While this person may not require a daily Haiku or a song written about them, a simple recognition or acknowledgement could make their entire day.
“Thank you for folding and putting away my clothes this morning. I appreciate you.”
“This meal gets better and better every time you make it.”
“I love that tie on you.”
A 7-10 word sentence requires minimal effort but could have great impact.
According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, quality time solely means giving someone your undivided attention; emphasis on undivided. We’ve gotten to a place where our time spent is often competing with social media, smart phones, and Netflix. This is not to say that shared time does not include an evening of binge watching Game of Thrones or laughing at instagram memes, but the key is to make a conscious decision to rid yourself of anything that could distract you from time with your partner.
Receiving of Gifts
Upon first glance, this love language is often times confused with the idea that a person who speaks this language is materialistic and that couldn’t be any further from the truth.This language speaks more so to the thoughtfulness behind the gift than the gift itself. My husband knows I am addicted to caramel macchiatos from Quicktrip and an ice cold pepsi to go with my dinner, so there are times when he comes home from work with either of those in hand and I am grateful because he thought of me without me having to ask.
Acts of Service
This love languages pertains to the act of putting feet to your words and putting the needs of your partner at the forefront. This could be offering to cook their favorite meal so they could have a night away from the kitchen, dropping the kids off at school, fetching pain relievers to reduce cramps during that time of the month (this spoke to my soul).
While it is easy to associate this with just the sexual intimacy within a relationship, it is important to not take for granted the impact of a simple hug, touch on the lower back, scalp stroke, kisses on the cheek or holding hands. My husband always says that he knows I’m upset with him if I get in the bed and don’t put my feet on his feet. That minor act (to me) signals something much greater to him and it opened the door for a much needed conversation.
Outside of not having anything to do with Ayesha & Steph’s marriage, to tell her that she shouldn’t have anything to feel insecure about is not only invalidating her truth but dismissing the very way in which she may feel most loved within the confinement of her own marriage.
For example, I dislike flowers. If my husband were to bring home a bouquet of flowers every week I would be pissed because although it is a nice gesture, he clearly is not paying attention to me or my love language. Flowers may mean the world to someone else but it aint my cup of tea. So when Ayesha states that she does not necessarily want the attention and or/compliments but it would be nice to know that someone is looking, that immediately signals Words of Affirmation to me (that also happens to be one of my top languages). It is also important to note that her sentiment didn’t have anything to do with what Steph may or may not be doing. She was asked about HER own feelings, not Steph’s. To me, that’s possibly another source of her insecurity/anxiety. She wants to share her truth and the only thing others can do is put Steph at the forefront, per usual. But, I digress.
Whether you are married, engaged, or dating, I would highly suggest that every couple read 5 Love Languages as well as take the test that is at the end of the book. Most importantly, mind the business that pays you because it aint Steph & Ayesha. Good day.